Clarity amidst Chaos: 02/01/2004

2/07/2004

sdrawkcab ti gnitteg

This from the WSJ BOTW:

A second-grader was suspended for a day for telling a classmate he'd go to hell for swearing to God. She was told to stay home because she had violated the policy forbidding profanity.

As the BTOW rightly states, it was her counterpart who was guilty of being profane, but I doubt that his offense was what the administration had in mind when they issued their decree. They were, in all likelihood, more concerned about vulgarity, rather than profanity. On that sentiment, though, I'd submit that the girls was not even guilty of uttering a vulgarity. Soteriological issues aside, she was not being hateful, just admonitory. Whether her caution is regarded as being deported to somewhere as real as Des Moines or as fanciful as Neverland is irrelevant. What matters is that the school's leaders were so worried about silly rules that they were completely in the wrong and they stole a day from this girl's matriculation.

cool! literally.

It's lightly snowing here in North Georgia.

It won't stick, but still....

it's snowing!

whaddeesay?

As one who will one day have the need for auditory augmentation, due to years spent firing rifles, I offer the following, from the inbox:

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's get a drink."

blog decisions

After receiving your much valued input, I've decided that beginning March 4, 2004, Clarity amidst Chaos will be re-introduced to the blogosphere as Spare Change, a part of Two Sents.net. It will in fact be the first offering of Two Sents, which in time will provide a wide range of ministry services designed to help the local church experience health, growth, and reproduction.

I've invited a few friends to partner in this adventure. You'll be reading entries from them from time to time as they write about any matter that interests them (much like myself), but specifically in the areas of preschool, children, youth, adult ministries, men's and women's ministries, and also missions. Each of these topics will address the essentials of healthy church life, relevant to churches of every demographic and every age from the starting church to the well-established congregation. And of course, there will still be a regular visitation of other topics ranging from the sublime to the silly.

I appreciate all of you who have given input that has helped me make the decision about the name. If I happen to have gone in the direction other than what you have suggested, please know that I'm not disregarding your opinion. I took everything in to consideration before making the decision.

Lastly, why March 4?

There is no logistical reason. It is merely symbolic and historic. The favorite sermon I have ever preached was on March 4, 2001 (which I'll modify to post on the day of the launch), based upon one of the Scriptures the Lord has used as a touchpoint in my own life. The fact that Two Sents can "march forth" on this date is special to me, and that is reason enough!

Again, mark your calendars, and prepare to adjust your bookmarks and blogrolls, please! Thanks again to all my friends who have supported this blog, who have given tech support, offered wise counsel, and provided great feedback. I thank God for you, and hope you stick around for the next stage in the journey!

venti no whip double blessing latte with a splenda

via email:

THE SPARROW AT STARBUCKS
The song that silenced the cappuccino machine

by John Thomas Oaks

It was chilly in Manhattan but warm inside the Starbucks shop on 51st Street and Broadway, just a skip up from Times Square. Early November weather in New York City holds only the slightest hint of the bitter chill of late December and January, but it's enough to send the masses crowding indoors to vie for available space and warmth.

For a musician, it's the most lucrative Starbucks location in the world, I'm told, and consequently, the tips can be substantial if you play your tunes right. Apparently, we were striking all the right chords that night, because our basket was almost overflowing.

It was a fun, low-pressure gig-I was playing keyboard and singing backup for my friend who also added rhythm with an arsenal of percussion instruments. We mostly did pop songs from the '40s to the '90s with a few original tunes thrown in. During our emotional rendition of the classic, "If You Don't Know Me by Now," I noticed a lady sitting in one of the lounge chairs across from me. She was swaying to the beat and singing along.

After the tune was over, she approached me. "I apologize for singing along on that song. Did it bother you?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "We love it when the audience joins in. Would you like to sing up front on the next selection?"

To my delight, she accepted my invitation.

"You choose," I said. "What are you in the mood to sing?"

"Well. ... do you know any hymns?"

Hymns? This woman didn't know who she was dealing with. I cut my teeth on hymns. Before I was even born, I was going to church. I gave our guest singer a knowing look. "Name one."

"Oh, I don't know. There are so many good ones. You pick one."

"Okay," I replied. "How about 'His Eye is on the Sparrow'?"

My new friend was silent, her eyes averted. Then she fixed her eyes on mine again and said, "Yeah. Let's do that one."

She slowly nodded her head, put down her purse, straightened her jacket and faced the center of the shop. With my two-bar setup, she began to sing.

Why should I be discouraged?
Why should the shadows come?

The audience of coffee drinkers was transfixed. Even the gurgling noises of the cappuccino machine ceased as the employees stopped what they were doing to listen. The song rose to its conclusion.

I sing because I'm happy;
I sing because I'm free.
For His eye is on the sparrow
And I know He watches me.

Holy moment
When the last note was sung, the applause crescendoed to a deafening roar that would have rivaled a sold-out crowd at Carnegie Hall. Embarrassed, the woman tried to shout over the din, "Oh, y'all go back to your coffee! I didn't come in here to do a concert! I just came in here to get somethin' to drink, just like you!"
But the ovation continued. I embraced my new friend. "You, my dear, have made my whole year! That was beautiful!"

"Well, it's funny that you picked that particular hymn," she said.

"Why is that?"

"Well . ..." she hesitated again, "that was my daughter's favorite song."

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"Yes," she said, and then grabbed my hands. By this time, the applause had subsided and it was business as usual. "She was 16. She died of a brain tumor last week."

I said the first thing that found its way through my stunned silence.

"Are you going to be okay?"

She smiled through tear-filled eyes and squeezed my hands. "I'm gonna be okay. I've just got to keep trusting the Lord and singing his songs, and everything's gonna be just fine."

She picked up her bag, gave me her card, and then she was gone.

Was it just a coincidence that we happened to be singing in that particular coffee shop on that particular November night? Coincidence that this wonderful lady just happened to walk into that particular shop? Coincidence that of all the hymns to choose from, I just happened to pick the very hymn that was the favorite of her daughter, who had died just the week before? I refuse to believe it.

God has been arranging encounters in human history since the beginning of time, and it's no stretch for me to imagine that he could reach into a coffee shop in midtown Manhattan and turn an ordinary gig into a revival. It was a great reminder that if we keep trusting him and singing his songs, everything's gonna be okay.

The author's Web site:

2/06/2004

you say its your birthday

Happy Birthday Mr. President.

May your likeness one day grace Mount Rushmore.

name that reality tv show

And if you want to look into the mouth of the beast, go to this page that links to reality TV casting calls. There, you'll learn the important lesson that "real life" only exists in Southern California or New York City. The rest of us just live in the Land of Make Believe.

cheese

Can you spot when somebody is really baring it when they grin?

Apparently, I can 75% of the time.

Thanks Jen.

shady practices

Heidi is the new Sam.

After watching last night's episode of The Apprentice, I've determined that this program should be mandatory viewing for Christian ethics classes, as a means for educating common acceptable business practices juxtaposed against biblical standards. Understandably, some of the elements aren't ideal business models (like all the participants sharing a place in Trump Towers), but the varying assignments each week do provide adequate portrayals (at least so far) of how the world does business. Lessons so far have included:

Backstab Your Friend to Stay Alive

Sex Sells

Put Yourself First

If You Are Silent, You Must Be Guilty

It's Not Deception if the Customer is Stupid

Manipulate Your Way to the Top

The 3 C's of Business: Cussing, Crying, and Conniving

workers ketchup

Amidst the news that 112,000 new jobs were added last month, once again confirming that reports of the US economy's demise were greatly exaggerated, I decided to see if the Heinz corp., and by extension, John F Kerry, could take any credit for the rebound.

Much like U2, I still haven't found what I'm looking for, but if I were to follow the logic of the Democrats, that must mean there was never threats increased condiment production, aka Workers of Massachussets Democrats. Subsequently, I concur that my decision to request ketchup with my fries was part of a strategery to draw out the enemy to lead to a potential confession of where these WMDs may be hiding.

THIS JUST IN: No sooner that I posted, "news agency" Reuters releases the "report" that the US workforce grew by "only 112,000 workers last month." They further suggest that this "disappointing report" will "weigh on President Bush's re-election campaign." I'm sure those 112,000 people were "unhappy" that they've found "work," and are now "earning money" that will "meet needs" and "pay for goods."

also....still no WMDs, but I have found this, which is promising -- possibly even a smoking gun.

back up

The quiz is back up. Thanks for waiting. I'll post results today or tomorrow.

worst fears realized

Unfortunately, Carlie has been found dead.

My prayers and condolences to her family.

2/05/2004

at the corner of desperation and manipulation

I just read at my "real radio" web page, that authorities fear that abducted youth Carlie Brucia may be dead.

The less "real" news sources such as Fox & MSNBC haven't gone so far, only saying that the suspect is being "uncooperative."

I thought it was interesting that the Brucia family has hired a psychic, who has reported that she's still alive, but is "somewhere dark and tied up." I occasionally think we don't hold psychics to high standards anymore, especially in such instances when their predictions can be tremendously encouraging and devastatingly incorrect at all the same time.

Harkening back to recent conversations about Dru Sjodin, I was surprised to read (which I post here so you don't have to register to see the link):

GRAND FORKS, N.D. -- Grand Forks police say they hear almost daily from people who call themselves psychics -- claiming to have information on a missing University of North Dakota student's whereabouts.

Dru Sjodin, of Pequot Lakes, Minnesota has been missing since Nov. 22.

Grand Forks Police Lt. Dennis Eggebratten said the department has received more than 600 tips from those claiming to be a psychic or a visionary. He said none of the psychic leads have checked out in the Sjodin case.

A convicted sex offender from Crookston -- Alfonso Rodriguez Jr. -- is charged with kidnapping Sjodin. He is jailed in Grand Forks on $5 million bail -- and has denied any involvement in her disappearance.

Call it a hunch...a premonition, if you will...but I predict that only one name keeps coming to mind when they meditate on Dru's unfortunate situation....their own.

every now and then i fall apart

I haven't been able to talk about it until now...

...but the Atlanta 80s station has changed formats.

They've gone "all talk," bragging that they're Atlanta's only FM talk station. That's great I guess, but a bit like NBC deciding to be the only nation-wide station with cable access programs. Thanks 105.3 for saving me the strenuous work of pushing that AM/FM button when I need to hear people yammering away like their opinions matter. When I want that, I choose to read the yammering. In fact, I choose to write the yammering. It's called a blog.

Actually, I like talk radio much of the time. I even like Bob & Tom, the nationally syndicated morning show that replaced the regionally-syndicated MJ morning show. Like its predecessor, though, I have to turn the station when they start talking about weiners. If they'd just keep the comedy a little more current event-oriented, I'd appreciate it. I mean, I appreciate "boy humor," and think its eminently acceptable to laugh at a well-timed bodily emission. I just think it is a too oft-dipped-in well that, whilst its rancid waters may never run dry, its acrid savorings require little to last long.

So, for the time being, I'm without my source for Bonnie Tyler, the Human League, and Toto. Like all things, this too shall pass.

sung to the tune of crazy

A convicted murderer successfully obtained a stay of his execution by acting insane, including imitating John Wayne, Harvey Dent, and Pontius Pilate.

The pivotal word is "acting" and not "insane." Entering into rehab 14 times to (unsuccessfully?) overcome addiction does not a crazy man make. In fact, I'd argue the cognizant determination that one needs to "dry out" evidences lucidity. In such perspective, his accompanying conduct is reflective of a man desperate to avoid the gallows for just punishment meted for a violent crime.

I am mildly bemused at the concept of subpoena-ing Jesus.

Foolish Client's Attorney

suspicious

for the record

Silly? Sure. Contrived? Certainly. Absurd? Absolutely.

But don't think for a moment that a similar mindset isn't out there, because it is.

what I meant to say was

This is a translation of the previous entry:

This entry is being entered using the voice recognition tools of Microsoft Word's software. As you can tell it is far from a perfect science at this point. Apparently, its supposed to get better the more I'm willing to train the computer to learn the rhythm and intonations of my voice. That said, it's going to take some time because each leasson requires about ten minutes of work to do. So (unknown) even though it's nonfunctional at this point, I'm fairly impressed its able to pick up wors like intimations and nonfunctional and the like. I'm not very impressed --well -- I am impressed but not very surprised that it is able to understnd words like Microsoft Word.

I don't understand why it chose to start a new paragraph here.

(ha ha laughter) I guess I'll understand better as time goes on (unknown). As I read this as I recite text, I can see just how unintelligible it really is. I'm sure that as I show this to my children they will be baffled and amazed. They'll of course want to train this with their own voice which I don't foresee as happening, but I look forward to seeing the look on their faces (unknown).

After a further review, a translation will soon follow.

asphinctersayswhat?

This century the as being insured using the voice recognition tools of Microsoft words software as you can tell it is far from a perfect science at this point apparently it, so as to get better the more I?m willing to train the computer to learn the rhythm and intimations of my voice that said it?s going to take some time because each lesson requires about ten minutes of work to do so happens I even though it?s nonfunctional this point I?m free impressive even able to pick up words like Information is recognition and the like I?m not very impressed well

But not very surprising is able to easily understand words like Microsoft word that only understand why it chose the storm

You?re not against all understand better as time goes on satisfying as I read this as I recited because I can see just how unintelligible really is unsure that as I show this to my children they will be baffled enemies lives of course one to train interactive as their own voice which I don?t often as those capabilities but a look for to them unless it?s see the local on this basis from offenses to foreign after a further review a translation will soon follow

another invitation

I've offered this before, but I'm going to do so again, because I believe it to be the most important thing we have to offer.

Be one in a million.

prayer update

Just talked with Guy and Aletha is progressing OK. The therapist is getting her out of bed today and getting her to walk with a walker. She still doesn't eat like they would like her to, but that is not a real concern at this point. The blood clot continues to dissolve with medication. Guy thought by sometime next week that they might be able to transport Aletha to either St. Mary's or maybe to Craig depending on how Aletha progresses the next few days. Guy is doing OK and doesn't need anything but prayers at this point.

thanks for praying...please continue!

what goes up

inbox ha ha:

mikey's physics phunnyOne day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to study this stuff?"

"To save lives," the professor responded and continued with the lecture.

A few minutes later the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.

2/04/2004

this pie tastes like humble

Have you ever had one of those times when you have been going along thinking you're pretty smart, feeling like you've got a good grasp on things, only to spend a little time with someone who really is pretty smart and really does have a good grasp on things, which causes you to realize that you're really not as smart as you thought and your grasp isn't as good as you originally perceived?

Yeah.

That would describe what just happened to me.

I'm sure I'll be thankful for this.

Eventually.

you think you know...

I've made a quiz about myself. Let's see how well you know me. And read each question carefully.

axiom

JOY

Jesus
Others
Yourself

learn it.
live it.
love it.

victory

Paul 'Bear' BryantIn order to have a winner, the team must have a feeling of unity; every player must put the team first-ahead of personal glory.

I'm not exactly covering new territory when I state that the church has been called, challenged, commanded, commissioned, and congregated for the purpose of unity. God has said that it is "good and pleasant" when His children live together in unity.

It's no secret that the key to success in any team endeavor is unity. The team should have one focus, one pursuit, one agenda. When competing agendas are present, the team's success is almost inevitably sacrificed.

The healthiest organizations are those that understand their priorities and operate in unity accordingly. The organizations that struggle or even fail are the ones that are confused about why they exist and what they hope to accomplish. In this paradigm, one subset pursues a goal, and another subset pursues an equally-worthy, albeit different goal. Unfortunately, resources are divided, communication is splintered, and impact is lost.

What is the purpose of your church? Why has God brought you together as a body of believers? What has He equipped you to accomplish through His heavenly resources? Come to agreement on these matters and in unity devote yourselves to them wholeheartedly and without distraction.

The reality is, there's no such thing as a 'practice scrimmage' in the calling and direction of a church. We are in the battle for the very souls of men, women, and children. Every opportunity is life and death, and every detail ripples through eternity. If your agenda is different from the Coach's, you're an obstacle to success, not an implement for it. Set your own agenda aside and chase after the title that He's set before us. For some of you, that's going to mean starting something new -- doing something you've never done but that He's assigned specifically for you. For others, its going to mean stopping something old -- putting down something you've been doing for far too long that He never assigned to you in the first place. Either option takes faith, and your willingness to comply will say more about what you believe about God than you do about yourself or your church. Regardless of the option, the context in which it exists is servanthood.

What would the church look like if every person was really on God's agenda? What would the world look like if every church was really on God's agenda? Some day we will know. Until then, we pursue the prize by faith.

proverbs #156

If God wants you on the mission field, neither your money nor your prayers will ever prove an acceptable substitute.

proverbs #155

There is no "home" and "foreign" distinction in God's missionary vocabulary.

proverbs #154

He who holds a false doctrine, holds it first in his own thinking and then seeks it in the Bible as a second source.

step right up

The carnivals' doors have opened:

Christian #3

Vanities #72

The Bonfire should commence soon.

three good reasons

Here's an excellent article by Patrick Morley giving three reasons to disciple men.

I had the distinct honor of introducing Patrick to our state partners last week at our Orlando meeting. He spoke during one of our lunches and was encouraging and affirming. He is partnering with us to develop the newest incarnation of our leadership materials.

Some of the most significant things he said in our time together last week is (and these are all loose paraphrases):

2/03/2004

100% of the precincts reporting

Let's review:

Ketchup won 5 of 7.
Edwards won South Carolina in an "attaboy" vote.
Clark takes Oklahoma, by a whisker.
Dean averaged a little better than 10% of the vote.
Lieberman's gone.
Sharpton's just enjoying the ride until he can pretend to be relevant somewhere else.
Kucinich continues to be clearly undeniably insane.

I love Democracy.

i'm with stupid

Via WSJ BOTW, I learned that Hillary's daddy owned a silk-screening business in her childhood.

Now we know from where such pithy terms have originated, such as:

it takes a village

vast right wing conspiracy

my husband got impeached and all i got was this lousy t-shirt

Living History Book Tour '03 -- Charlotte Rocks!

Bush is a WMD!

Gore/Clinton '04

Clinton/Clark '08

Clinton's Intern Assessor

denouement +lieberman = dejoement

Tony has informed me once again, they all rolled over and one fell off.

Comment-worthy excerpts from the good Senator's noble, but futile campaign:

"I have decided tonight to end my quest for the presidency of the United States of America. Am I disappointed? Naturally. But am I proud of what I stood for in this campaign? You betcha," Lieberman told supporters in Arlington, Va.

Do I hate it when speakers ask and answer their own rhetorical questions I do? Naturally.
Am I willing to withhold my vote over this habit? You betcha.

"I offer a mainstream voice, and I still believe that is the winning voice for our party and our country," he said.

I concur that relative to his competition, he is correct on both aspects of his statement.

let me count the ways

from the inbox:

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush.

On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but never the present.

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.

Reasons why I love Kelli:

When she smiles you feel like she's giving you a hug.

She believes it is her responsibility to show her daughters how to be a lady, and her son how to recognize one.

She has the ability to talk about anything from deep theology to the Rockies' lineup.

She's liberal with her pity laughter -- giving a chuckle even when we both know what I said wasn't really that funny.

She makes me look much more handsome than I really am.

She is passionate about seeing people come to faith in Jesus as their Savior.

She always wants me to have first choice of supper servings.

She doesn't complain about being woken up in the middle of the night -- by any of us.

Her spirit is as beautiful as her countenance.

She genuinely cares what people think.

She values friendships.

She wants to see other people succeed.

She has amazing patience, and regrets those rare times she misplaces it.

She is honorably submissive.

She knows how to hold her own against worthy opponents.

She's able to discern who is and isn't a worthy opponent.

She loves 42, 'Ho!,' and 7 Up, 7 Down.

She'll watch 'guy movies' with me.

She's easily moved to tears.

Scrap books and photo albums are important to her.

She loves my family as her own.

She's willing to repeatedly question one of our children until she gets the answer accompanied by a "ma'am."

She's discerning without being judgmental.

She forgives me of my shortcomings.

She's incredibly hard-working, organized, and professional.

She lives for roller coasters, the Broncos, and cuddling.

She's my Nicole Kidman and I'm her Ewan McGregor, and we'll sing Moulin Rouge full tilt with no apologies.

She's my best friend, my wisest counsel, my most compassionate critic, and my most helpful companion.

Being in her presence causes my heart to leap, my worries to cease, and my joy to multiply.

Because her heart, her soul, her life and her future rest securely in the hands of our Savior, Jesus.

These reasons and an uncountable multitude of others can barely begin to quantify the blessing and joy of my life that is my bride, my friend, my love, my wife Kelli.

in the tradition of the nova

I'm reminded of the story about the ultimate sales failure of the Chevy Nova in Hispania because "no va" in the native tongue translates to "doesn't go."

Here are other rejected names for prospective automobile models:

The Ford Seabiscuit

The Pontiac Conundrum

The Lexus Arrhythmia

The Mercedes Zeig Heil!

The Saab Paxil

The GMC Innuit

The Chevrolet Refinancer

The Hyundaii Hara Kiri

The BMW Pretension

The Mitsubishi Miyagi

The Honda Accordian

The Renault Singe de Redditiont*

The Nissan Metrosexual

The Oldsmobile Octagenarian (with perma-blink left turn signal)

The Mercury Poisoning

The Volkswagen Dustmite

The Saturn Uranus

The Aston Martin Lazenby

The Volvo Mulva

The Hummer Saddaminator

The Peugot Heinz-Kerry

The Jaguar Wildebeast

The Cadillac Yacyacyacyac Youottaknowbynow

The Mary Todd Lincoln

The Toyota Turgidity

The Cooper V.D.

The Buick Technicolor Yawn

The Suzuki Tom Cruiser

*Surrender Monkey

planes, trains, and automobiles

I've received my travel schedule for the next several months. All I can say is 'wow.' Actually, I could probably say other things, but 'wow' seems to embody the essence of my sentiment at the moment.

On my itinerary:
March -- Road trip to Canton, Georgia (I'll come home each night).
April -- Columbus, Ohio
May -- Cochrane, Alberta, Canada
June -- Indianapolis, Indiana (SBC Convention)
July -- Open (so far!)
August -- Boston, Massachussetts
September -- Virginia (exact location yet to be determined)

There are still October and November obligations that haven't been assigned. And we just got a request for a Colorado event in August that I may receive as well (of course I'd reluctantly accept that one).

I know other people travel much more than this, and I'm not complaining about my schedule. I love to visit people, and I love to visit churches. It's just a more full schedule than I originally anticipated. Our general rule here though is that if a request comes in and we can honor it, we'll do everything we can to do so.

idol cream

Week Three efforts that rose to the top:

Ryan's day in song.

Riley's day in dogthought.

Jon's observations of a janitor's day.

Manda's day in pictures.

John's Bible's day, theoretically.

There were other good ones. I just thought these were the ones that resonated best with me.

Blog on!

around the horn

from the inbox:

SOCIAL SECURITY:Since many of us have paid into FICA for years and are now receiving a Social Security check every month -- and then finding that we are getting taxed on 85% of the money we paid to the federal government to "put away," you may be interested in the following:

Q: Which party took Social Security from an independent fund and put it in the general fund so that Congress could spend it?
A: It was Lyndon Johnson and the Democratic-controlled House and Senate.

Q: Which party put a tax on Social Security?
A: The Democratic party.

Q: Which party increased the tax on Social Security?
A: The Democratic Party with Al Gore casting the deciding vote.

Q: Which party decided to give money to immigrants?
A: That's right, immigrants moved into this country and at 65 got SSI Social Security. The Democratic Party gave that to them although they never paid a dime into it.

Then, after doing all this, the Democrats turn around and tell you the Republicans want to take your Social Security.

And the worst part about it is, people believe it!

it's no bare bosom, but still....

Lj posts ESPN's top 10 Super Bowl Commercials.

I completely agree with #1, except replace "best" with "worst." I confess that at one time in my life, I may have found this puerility humorous, or even hilarious, but then puberty hit. I will neither confirm nor deny actually partaking in activities similar to those represented in the ad, but let's just say I've learned the hard way that eyebrows can take years to regrow.

I didn't see the Parcells/Jones ad, but it made my bride laugh out loud, so it had to be good. I had an intellectual "disconnect" with the Charmin ad, simply because I refuse to describe my or anyone else's bottom as an "end zone." The fact that a person would pause to appreciate the softness of TP stuck to another person's backside is off-putting in its unsanitary implications, and further repulses me. The product is not made cuter by a cartoon bear who happens to love the product for his own ursine cleanliness issues.

Something that I never saw nor heard response of, but heard much promotion about was the gladiatrix Pepsi commercial that was to star Pink, Britney, and Beyonce(?). Did that one air, or was it successful like a pregnant polevaulter?

Fearless prediction: J. Jackson (and I don't mean Jesse or Jermaine) will star in an ad in next year's campaign that will give a *winkwinknudgenudge* to this year's controversy. Possibly for Victoria's Secret. Or for a glue product.

janet jackson awards

The inaugural Janet Jackson awards have been announced in commemoration of boobs exposed during or after significant sporting events.

Awards were given yesterday in three different categories. Winner of the Worst Body Art category was the as yet publicly unidentified streaker who delayed the kick-off of the second half of Sunday's Super Bowl. The moron initially posed as a referee before stripping down to a g-string and began dancing spastically, revealing a whole lotta flesh and some illegible advertising on his backside. He gave flight when slow-witted security personnel eventually realized that this is unusual behavior for a ref, even one of the NFL's caliber and sought to cover the exposed boob. The drama ended spectacularly when New England Patriot Linebacker Matt Chatham knocked the idiot into the third row with a well-placed shoulder to the head.

A second Janet Jackson was awarded to another as yet unidentified Boston man in the category of "Worst Attempt at Crowd Control." The boob was arrested for driving the wrong way down a street filled with Super Bowl victory revelers, running over and injuring three of them, two seriously.

Additional awards were unsuccessfully attempted to be awarded to several Patriot fans, boobs who were exposed in the Worst Rendition of "This Little Light of Mine" category, for igniting bonfires at landmarks, turning over cars, and other similar brainless activities. The recipients' trophies are being held at the Boston Municipal Police Headquarters and are available for pick-up at the recipients' convenience.

The first Janet Jackson (known as "a Booby" in the industry) was awarded for its namesake for shamelessly exposing her breast as part of Super Bowl XXXVIII's half-time entertainment show, then disingenuously attempting to explain it away as an accident. It's estimated that a potential US audience of 90 million viewers were exposed to the exposure.

2/02/2004

a day in the life of haiku paparazzi

L. DiCaprio
Catch me if you can, man
Caught you picking nose

Oprah turned fifty
That's not like two 25s
O! AARP!

Sarah Jessica
Soon to see life's not about
Sex, nor the city

Blonde Charlize Theron
Got dumpy as the "Monster"
Shops at TJ Maxx

Kiwi director
Peter Jackson stands alone
Will he ever bathe?

Uma vows to Kill Bill
First she must go buy gloves to
Cover her huge hands

Mel Gibson's Passion?
Playing "Gotchyer ears Jesus!"
He hears no evil

Jenny Aniston
Likes to go to hair salon
Whoa! Stop the presses

Brad Pitt thanks hero
The one who showed him the ropes --
B. McAnally

Gwyneth's womb blossoms
She will name him "Ben" or "Fleck"
Suuuure she's over him.

Pam Anderson
VIP, Baywatch, Playboy
Fifteen minutes gone

David and Courtney
Cox-Arquette or Arquette-Cox?
Don't know or don't care?

Letterman's a dad
So is Clint, Jack, Paul and Mike
Wow! Viagra works!

Spiderman sequel
Star Tobey McGuire oops!
Wears Hulk Underoos

J-lo's beau no show
Forgoes Soul-Glow Expo dough
no mo' info, yo!

Jacko sis bares boob
Might as well insert sagging
Career joke right here

Former Mouseketeers
Tend to pursue skankiness
All Mothers beware!

A big day is done!
Photos will buy my new car
or land me in jail

this was part of the blogger idol writing project. Click on the link to see how others are spending their day.

sung to the tune of let's wait a while

In just a quick hop around the blogosphere, Christ-follower's corner, I've seen that many of the brethren, like myself, didn't see Janet's (or Justin's or MTV's, or whoever's) lack of control. However, I would assume that there are many, like myself, who were exposed to the nasty situation when her escapade was re-aired on the morning news today. Graciously, at least her chest was digitized in the re-airing.

Today, surely nobody is asking Janet, "what have you done for me lately?" Although she may be asking herself, "What'll I do?"

In possibly the most interesting of the post-whoops now-moment discussion, Thinklings has rounded up a few dozen responses and observations about Ms. Jackson's body that loves you. In these comments, you might find it interesting, as did I, the number of bloggers who are able to discuss in great detail the intentionality of the pop diva, based upon close examination of her anatomy and its accessorizing regalia, apparently and obviously easily available on this WWW.

I'm not judging anyone...I promise. I just want to encourage you men to resist the temptation to hop on over to a site...even one that is normally credible for its news, for a quick glance. Don't do something that would make you the real boob here, by justi-fying yourself for going somewhere you don't need to go, for reasons that should be avoided. You're better than that. Really.

And despite her possible/probable lack of judgment, so is she.

a passion-ate rebuttal

I worshipped on Sunday with a fellow who started talking about Mel's new movie, and said he, as an expert on Roman Catholicism (his words, not mine), couldn't endorse it to evangelicals, because it contained an overwhelming amount of Roman Catholic mysticism as its content, including the presentation of Mary as co-redemptress and Jesus being rescued from a fall (literal, not figurative, from what I could tell) by a demoniacal spirit.

Those of you who have seen it, what say you?

we're goin' to dollywood

My pastor is being commissioned this Saturday by the North American Mission Board of the Southern Baptist Convention as a Nehemiah Project church planter. We're making the 170 mile trip to experience his commissioning and see the all that that can be seen in an eight-to-ten hour period.

you're in good hands

via email...and note that this is from a woman who, when we first met, was antisocial, had a fear of crowds, and was hate-filled due to a life marked by abuse, divorce, isolation, and abandonment. Through an faith encounter with Jesus of Nazareth, she is fully engaged in life, at peace with others, and is hope-filled due to a life now marked by restoration, redemption, forgiveness, and fellowship.

A basketball in my hands is worth about $19.
A basketball in Michael Jordan's hands is worth about $33 million.
It depends whose hands it's in.

A baseball in my hands is worth about $6.
A baseball in Mark McGuire's hands is worth $19 million.
It depends on whose hands it's in.

A tennis racket is useless in my hands.
A tennis racket in Venus Williams' hands is a championship winning.
It depends whose hands it's in.

A rod in my hands will keep away a wild animal.
A rod in Moses' hands will part the mighty sea.
It depends whose hands it's in.

A sling shot in my hands is a kid's toy
A sling shot in David's hand is a mighty weapon.
It depends whose hands it's in.

Two fish and 5 loaves of bread in my hands is a couple of fish sandwiches.
Two fish and 5 loaves of bread in God's hands will feed thousands.
It depends whose hands it's in.

Nails in my hands might produce a birdhouse.
Nails in Jesus Christ's hands will produce salvation for the entire world.
It depends whose hands it's in.

As you see, it now depends whose hands it's in.
So put your concerns, your worries, your fears, your hopes, your dreams,
Your families and your relationships in God's hands because...
It depends whose hands it's in.

snow day

from the email:

Norman and his blonde wife live in Prince George. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again. The radio announcer begins, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park--," but then the power goes out.

Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do!"

Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

did I just see a boob on cbs?

I'm referring of course to the executive who is responsible for the decision to hand a book of matches to the pyromaniacs at MTV, entrusting them with the production of the explosive half-time show of the biggest sporting event in the world.

Thanfkully, I didn't see Janet's Jackson's "Do you feel a draft in here?" moment. I only read about it on Jen's blog. I'm relieved because my two oldest children sat on either side of me and had been watching the "entertainment" together. That is, until a flag-draped Kid Rock came out screaming as if a herd of angry carnivorous boweevils had embedded themselves in his cranium just as he came rushing onstage. I asked Cotter, "what do you think about that?"

"It's cool, I guess," he said. "But he sure seems angry about tearing his flag."

That's when we turned the channel.

interesting

2004 presidential predictions..updated regularly.

thanks to uncle sam's cabin for the link.

My prediction: this site will gain increasing traffic as November approaches (the election one, that is -- I don't know enough about Uncle Sam's work to make any assumptions there).

On a related note, maybe, this humble blog was named in a recent article at The Blogging on the President: 2004, regarding the belly-button nature of blogs.

Apparently, along with many of my friends and cohorts listed in my blogrolls, I'm an innie.

Now, that may be an over-simplified interpretation of the data, complete with a bell curve, but that's the gist of it.

This would explain all the lint that's been gathering.

2/01/2004

bowling for memories

We had a very pleasant evening. We accepted an invitation over to our pastor's home, where we were surprised to see that there was some sort of football game garnering widespread attention. We were only able to stay through the first quarter because of school preparations for Kaylyn. While we were there, though, the party welcomed the presence of the host's parents, who happen to be the governor and 1st lady of the state of Georgia.

Our three children, who aren't scheduled to begin their protocol classes until next fall, immediately flocked around the man who looked a bit liked their Papa (my dad). It was entirely surreal to watch them play catch with the governor, and he was entirely in his element, just a man who loves children. I asked him if he had a rooting interest in the game, thinking that maybe he had an interesting story of a friendly wager between his counterparts in North Carolina and Massachussetts. "Yes," he said, "I'm rooting for Atlanta."

So it turns out, he's just a fan in denial just like me.

We came home and watched the rest of the game. Cotter stayed up past his bed time, but did devise the novel concept of rooting for whichever team happened to be in the lead at the time. He just wanted to make sure he didn't end the season disappointed. Hey, I can hop on to that ride. Truly, a phenomenal game, apart from a bad half-time show (from what I saw of it), a bunch of bad LCD*-humor commercials, and the fact that my Broncos weren't scoring that winning field goal, much less even in the game.

Huh....

....turns out that I am disappointed after all.

*lowest common denominator; i.e., ignited horse flatulence, crotch-biting dogs, et al..

mama, don't let your babies grow up to be hank, jr.

Cotter: Daddy?
Me: Yes, son
Cotter: Are you ready for the Super Bowl?