The Holy Spirit: God's NeverLostX > U Provision

I recently wrote about NeverLost^®, the feature provided by Hertz rentals. I fell in love with her it.

The more I thought about it (because I couldn't quit thinking about our time together), I came to understand that in many ways, NeverLost^® was a beautiful picture of the Holy Spirit Himself.

You see, God has coordinated a destination of heaven for those who are His children. Upon salvation, that destination is sealed and guaranteed by His Neverlost^{X > U} Provision, the Holy Spirit.

So God has decided that nothing less than Himself, the Holy Spirit shall be your guide through life.

Once we become aware of the destination that has been set for us, we then are able to listen to the still small voice of He who guides us there.

"Turn away from that temptation."
"Turn toward what is right."
"Stop at the intersection of Bad Habit and New Life. Bad Habit is a Dead End. New Life is the way to go.

From time to time, we don't listen to directions. We think we know the way better than Neverlost^{X > U}. We think we know a short cut. We think we want to go sight-seeing (even if it is in the middle of the night). So we venture away from the path that was established for us. But NeverLost^{X > U} doesn't leave us. He just scales back, showing where we are in relation to Him. Instead of abandoning us once we attempt to chart our own path, He simply says, very patiently, very lovingly, very....sovereignly:

You may U-Turn as soon as possible.

When you finally make that U-turn and restore communication with NeverLost^{X > U}, you find that He is there waiting for you, right where you departed from Him. You can't go beyond Him. You can't get closer to your destination without Him. You can only stray from Him and return to Him. Only when you are with Him can you grow toward Home.

In fact, there will be times on your journey where you'll have no idea where you are. You might feel like you are all alone. Everyone around you will be saying that you are crazy and you don't know where you are. To this you will be able to reply, "I may not know where I am, but NeverLost^{X > U} knows where I am and how to get me Home.

When you have a subscription to NeverLost^{X > U}, you will forever have an eternal Godly Positioning Servant who is permantly orienting you in relation to Himself.


It is in those times where you don't have to depend on your own orienteering skills. You only have to slow down long enough to ask NeverLost^{X > U} for directions.

will you take the mark?

C&P from the email:

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. How May I serve you..."

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."

Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..."

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "What do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it"

Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?"

Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."

Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."

Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"

Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it."

Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."

tis the season

Who doesn't love a snowglobe?

Thanks to Shari for the link.

meet my new best friend

Captain Ed knew about "going tharn."

Captain Ed voted for me.

Captain Ed blogrolled me.

Captain Ed has been blogrolled by me.

Captain Ed obviously has good taste, is clearly erudite, and is both a scholar and a gentleman.

Captain Ed Captain Ed Captain Ed.

speaking of shameless self promotion

vote for me over at the 2003 awards. You can get there by clicking on the link button.

As your class president, I'll work hard to get a longer lunch hour, to make Phys Ed an elective, and get the PTA to fund our senior trip to Palm Beach.

Sorry, that's the last time I had to write a speech for a popularity contest.

But vote for me anyway. I'm already nine votes behind the leader.

sung to the tune of too much time on my hands

Julie refers us to a kerfluffle taking place in the blogosphere amidst people who take their blogging waaaaaayyyy too seriously.

NZ Bear has devised a way to rank blogs, according to links and traffic. It is the standard bear-er for identifying where on the blogging totem pole one resides. I currently am a flappy bird (which means I'm a little guy in this big blogging world -- I am ranked in #1068, down from a high of #716 in October). Apparently, some people have used mischievous means to increase their ranking in this system.

I say if you can't increase your own standing through shameless self promotion and gratuitous linking, then you should just accept your rank, and realize that in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter.

sticking by a friend

Even though Tony has recently poured salt in my wound, he'll still be my first choice for being always right, despite the introduction of another like-minded fellow (and this one's from Atlanta).

if this doesn't make you vote republican

Common Sense & Wonder offers a frightening image that may just convince you the Howie Dean isn't the way to go in '04.

cumulo-dumbo

For optimum viewing, I wear eyeglasses. When I woke up this morning, I got out of bed without putting them on my face. I pulled apart the slatted blinds to see how the weather was going to be today. I knew I wouldn't be able to see very well, but I could make out enough to see the general atmosphere for the day.

It was gray. Really gray. Everywhere.

My first thought: Man, is it foggy out there.

My second thought: I can't even see the cars - that I heard - going by

My third thought: Bryan, you're looking at the wall between window panes.

After looking over my shoulder to make sure my wife hadn't been watching me contemplate the forecast for our eggshell-tinted wall, I reached for my glasses as I moved over six inches and tried again.

It wasn't nearly as foggy as I had originally assumed.

sung to the tune of i believe i can fly

pretty cool little time waster.

things that make you go 'hmmmm?"

Bill at Thinklings shares the recent asking of the light and fanciful question, "what is the meaning of the universe?"

I gave my ideal answer (which should not be divergent from the practical, mind you) over there. What do you think?

blood n guts

when I walked in to the "Donation Area" for giving blood, I was greeted by a sign emblazoned with a big biohazard symbol



with the words

Blood Spatter Possible in this Area

All of a sudden, I had a 28 Days Later momentary-type of fear, and I wondered if anyone else was offput by the common seating area being located where flying projectiles of blood might land upon my Victorian garb (which was nothing more than black slacks and a white button down -- this is as close to Victorian as I could get).

They soon took me in to a private cubicle, behind the blood spatter sign. I was curious to see if they intended to cinch off my arm with a rubber hose to get the best spattering potential. They did not. They asked me 30 different ways if I was a homosexual, a drug user, a homosexual drug user, a drug using homosexual, or kin/progeny/lover/spouse/associate/or bodily fluid exhanger with a homosexual, drug user, homosexual drug user, or drug using homosexual.

Or if I was from the Congo.

After these questions, they promptly took my blood pressure, to make certain I was anxiety-filled enough to get my blood drawn from my body. I was. My lovely nurse then jabbed my left hand ring finger (which is on day 5 of tingling, fyi). A small amount of blood swelled, but none spattered. She then took a sample to make certain I had not lied about stating that I had never paid for "relations" with a Congalese "crack" horticulturalist (I think that's what they asked).

Then the nurse left the room and offered me the chance to put a sticker on my information that basically stated, "I may have told you that I'm clean, and then I promised that I wasn't lying, but I had my fingers crossed, and I was really lying about not lying, and also about the whole African Romance/Drugs line of questioning"...if I so chose to do so.

I didn't. I went forward, ready to give for the cause.

They set me in a comfy chair and asked which vein I wanted to use for the draw. I said, "Jugular. Let's get this thing over with." She didn't take me up on it, but looked like she desperately wanted to, even just to show me a thing or two about being a "clever." She then swabbed my right elbowpit with betadine, iodine, myomine, catonine, and my-t-fine. Then, a new nurse had me pump my fist until my forearm looked like Michael Ironside's face in Scanners.

This nurse then plunged the needle into the exposed vein, and by the siphoning action of the force of gravity, I filled my 1-gallon milkjug that they said they used "for special donors."

At one point in the process, the power flickered off. I nervously shouted out, "EVERYONE SEES THAT, RIGHT??? IT'S NOT JUST ME, IS IT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN WALK TO THE LIGHT? MY WORK HERE ISN'T FINISHED!! GREAT GRAMMA HAZEL, IS THAT YOU? YOU LOOK SO YOUNG AND PRETTY!! IS THAT JOHNNY CASH I HEAR SINGING AMAZING GRACE? JU-USST AS I AM WITHOUT ONE..." That's when the nurse slapped me twice (the quick fore-and-backhand combo), and I settled down.

When I finished, they wrapped up the nickel-sized cavern in my elbowpit with cotton, chewing gum, silly putty and drywall spackle, and told me to go sit in the "recovery area." I dutifully obeyed. They offered me a cookie and a drink to help me regain my strength. A sleeve of Nutter Butters and 4 bottles of Welch's Fruit Punch not only helped me regain my strength, but took care of my lunch needs for the day.

While I "recovered," two co-workers sat beside me. Next to me sat a guy from design (I heard him refer to himself as "an artist"). He began to regale me with a story of how he met his wife at a blood donor affair. I feigned unconsciousness, so as not to appear rude. The other co-worker was a young lady whose pallor made her look as though she had been tended by the Vampire LeStat. To help her ameliorate, the artist next to me challenged her to a fruitjuice chugging contest. She agreed. She cracked open her juice and quicker than I could take a breath of air, downed all 16 ounces. And -- I kid you not -- she said, "THAT'S how its done where I'm from!"

Justahunch, but methinks somebody revealed a bit of metatarpal poking out from the door to the Closet of the Past. One can only imagine how big the skeleton lurking behind it could be (mine's still probably larger). The artist had no idea what he had done, as he was barely a third of the way done with his own beverage by the time she slammed down the plastic container and shouted, "Wake up the Comatose and rack up 'nother!"

When the artist tried to regroup and challenge the Girl (who was oddly now referring to herself in the third person, as "THE BEAST") to be the first to eat five Nutter Butters and whistle Jingle Bells, I decided to get up and return to work. Surely the caroling upstairs had ended, and I didn't want to be in a area where Nutter Butter Spatter was possible.

and as a matter of fact

I'm wearing my sticker.

("Be nice to me, I gave blood today")

going tharn

Background: We ("we" meaning everyone else in my area, except for me) have been diligently decorating our work area to recreate a Victorian neighborhood atmosphere. On each of our doors, we have recreated Christmas hymns. For our AME, we have decorated according to the theme of O Holy Night. I wanted to place a topo map of a golf course on a black backdrop to convey this message, but was quickly vetoed. Instead, I have a mural painted by my secretary of people doing Christmas-y things in a town. They are carrying gifts, looking at trees, and peering into shop fronts.

Other departments have decorated to themes of Santa's Worskshop, Hawaiian Christmas, and various other interpretations. We thought we'd win because we had not one, but two gimmicks that were assumed to be appealing. First, we offered goodies. Cookies, fudge brownies, chips & dip (because the Victorian Era was highlighted by Ruffles and jarred French Onion Dip). We hoped to get the judges so looped up on sugar that the bright lights and visions of hymns would be overwhelming. The second gimmick was that at the end of the tour, we'd all corral in the common space and sing a carol. Away in a Manger, because we had recreated a manger scene. With a Cabbage Patch baby Jesus.

The story: Right as I was scheduled to give blood, I was alerted that the decorations judges were making their rounds. I panicked, because I was faced with a dilemma. Either I could eschew my appointment to give blood and be there for my teammates, or I could forsake my teammates, miss singing as part of the caroling team, and go give blood.

Singing or bleeding. Bleeding or singing.

Both would leave me lightheaded.
Both require self-revelation.
Both had snacks on the back end of the deal.

Ultimately, I decided to do the activity that frightened me the least.

I went downstairs and let them plunge a huge needle into my forearm and draw my lifesource from my veins.

And yes, I did get a sticker for it!

(bonus: a gratuitous link for the first person to explain what my title means, and from where it comes.)

closing the doors

Jen alerts us to the cessation of right we are. It was an honor to read and be read by them.

putting on a brave face

I'm scheduled to give blood in fifteen minutes.

Theoretically, I'm eager to do it, willing and available to add to the much needed supply of my rare so rare AB(-) blood.

Practically, I'm scared that the big needle is going to hurt.

I better get a sticker out of this.

juuuuuuusst a bit outside

I came up as the #10 google for adams apple removal procedures in orlando.

Just a hunch, but i bet I didn't have for which this person was searching.

mo mo mo....ron!

a couple days ago, two of our volunteers were wrapping this huge flat package in Christmas paper. I said as I walked by, "I've never gotten a package that big before!"

They looked at each other peculiarly and dismissed me.

Yesterday, as I walked by for home, I noticed they left their wrapped package behind. It was huge.

"Hm," I thought to meself, "they must need to get a bigger vehicle in order to get this package home."

Today, I walk in and make the connection.

The "package" was actually the partial wall to the cubicle.

You see, it was wrapped to make it look like a Christmas package, and to make me look like an idiot.

Success in both endeavors.

apt

The word awkward appears as ungainly as it means.

Now back to your regular programming.

ho ho ho ha ha ha

More, slightly edited, C&P humor:

Holiday Toy-Buying Tips For Parents


Not all toys are created equal. Here are some tips to help you choose playthings for your children that are safe and educational:

To determine a toy's safety, try these simple tests: Does your child choke on it? Does it produce welts, cuts, or bruises? Does it turn up
whole or in fragments in your child's stool?

Decide what you would like your child to be, then only buy toys that steer him or her in that direction.

If it is Finnish, sold at an upscale toy boutique, and three times as expensive as a comparable toy made by an American company, it is safe
and educational.

You can never go wrong buying your child a crystal-radio set. It's a great way for him or her to learn about crystal radios.

Often, the best toys are the simplest. For example, sewing cards, through which a piece of yarn is laced, enhance a child's motor skills
and teach the fundamentals of sewing. Yeah, sewing cards are a whole lotta fun.

When toy shopping, look for the Joe Mantegna Seal of Safety. It's your only guarantee that the toy has been deemed safe by Joe Mantegna.

Rounded edges on toys should be sharpened in case your child tries to chop vegetables with them.

After your child unwraps his or her new toy, throw it on the ground and stomp on it. If any small pieces break off, the toy is too dangerous for young children.

horse sense

C&P humor:

ALL I NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED ON THE CATTLE RANGE


1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:
- The ones who learn by reading.
- The few who learn by observation.
- The rest of them have to touch the electric fence to see if it's really on.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

this may cost me

*ring ring*
Kelli: Hello?
Me: Hi. I just got an email
Kelli:okay.
Me: It's from Ovie. She's reminding me that you're supposed to make a cobbler for the MEO Christmas party tomorrow.
Kelli: You're telling me Ovie sent you an email saying that I'm supposed to make a cobbler for tomorrow?
Me: Well, I guess that's not really what it says. It says that I signed up to bring a cobbler for tomorrow.
Kelli: So is this your way of asking me to make a cobbler tonight?
Me: Yes, I suppose it is. Will you make a peach cobbler tonight so I can bring it to the party tomorrow.
Kelli: Of course I will. But you'll need to go to the store and buy some things?
Me: You want me to go to the--
Kelli: Don't you even...
Me: Kidding! Just tell me what to get.
Kelli: Okay....(gives the list)
Me: Thanks, honey. I promise, I haven't done something like this since 5th grade.
Kelli: RiIIIIiiiiight.

And that's why Kelli will win Wife of the Year...and why I will not win the corresponding prize for the man of the house.

NeverLost®

This past week, while my family visited, my folks rented a Ford Hindenberg Excursion, for the purpose of allowing all of us to cavort around North Georgia in one vehicle.



The coolest feature of this "Limited Edition" (which I have come to understand "limited" to mean "Limited to those people willing to spend a minimum of $42,780 on an SUV that gets 11.5 miles per gallon") was supplied by Hertz Rental. This bonus feature was the Hertz NeverLost^® Global Positioning System.

In the short time we got to know each other, I managed to develop a severe codependent relationship with the feminely-voiced aparatus.



I was selected as driver for every excursion (hey! what an aptly named vehicle after all!), because it was (incorrectly) assumed I would know the correct path from our home to any intended destination, since I'm actually a resident here. I would slide nervously into the heated, leather driver's seat and type in the address (or in some cases, just the first 3 or 4 letters) of our desired locale, and the silky voice of NeverLost^®would soon give kind instructions on which way to turn.

"Right turn in two miles."
"Right turn in one-mile.'
"Right turn now."

If I didn't follow her instructions, she never became cross with me. When I became confused by a quick left-right-left combination through a town square, I missed a turn. I expected:

"Okay, who let the blind guy drive?"

Instead, she simply said:

"You may U-turn at the first convenience."

One time, I decided to depart from the path she had presented for me because I wanted to show everyone the Buford Dam at Lake Lanier (I soon discovered the folly of trying to sightsee a dammed reservoir -this was not a clever attempt to curse - at 9 PM on a cloudy, moonless night). After her initial encouragement to return to the plan, she said nothing. She simply scaled her map further and further back, showing me where I was in relation to the trusted path. When I finally reconnected several miles later, She welcomed me back as though she had never left. Now that I was in concert with her again, she simply instructed:

"Continue on this road for 11 miles."

I won't lie. I really became attached to her. I trusted her. She always got me where I needed to go. There were times when I challenged her. I asked for the most scenic route to Amicalola Falls. And she delivered. There were times when others in the SUV were questioning if I knew where I was.

"I have no idea where I am," I'd say, "but NeverLost^® knows where we are."

And she did.

When we parted ways on Thanksgiving morning, I confess that I think saying goodbye was a little more difficult for me than it was for her. I'd like to think though, that after our special time together, that there is a Black Ford Marlon Brando Excursion with Florida license plates, with a NeverLost^® permantly orienting itself to my home address.

and you shall call me...

I'm partaking in the King of the Blogs tournament. I'm already pleased to have done it, because I've come to an awareness of evangelical outpost and adrian warnock. Hmm...that can't be good if i'm already endorsing the opposition, can it?

quiz exchange

I took this quiz from a link at Jen's.

You are 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing'. You take
Christmas very seriously. For you, it is a
religious festival, celebrating the birth of
the Saviour, and its current secularisation
really irritates you. You enjoy the period of
Advent leading up to Christmas, and attend any
local carol services you can find, as well as
the more contemplative Advent church services
each Sunday. You may be involved in Christmas
food collections or similar charity work. The
midnight service at your church, with candles
and carols, is one you look forward to all
year, and you also look forward to the family
get together on Christmas Day.


What Christmas Carol are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I really didn't know where I'd come out, but I pretty much agree with the sentiment here.

Although my favorite Christmas hymns are:
Silent Night
Away in a Manger
The First Nowell
O little town of Bethlehem
Joy to the World
O Come All Ye Faithful
Go, Tell It on the Mountain
What Child is This

And this version of The Little Drummer Boy.

a friend in need

Please take time to pray for my secretary's husband, who has just been admitted to the hospital. He has advanced heart disease, and went in to the hospital today for testing for placement on the heart transplant list. The testing did not go well (he had already died once from the same test, some time ago, and was brought back).

My sincere thanks to you who will pray on their behalf.

isn't idolatry adorable?

Earthly Passions has a photo of a monkey drinking a pepsi. I'm normally a fan of any humor related to primates. I still laugh, several years later, at the memory of Dan Rather on Letterman chuckling over the video of a chimp bathing a kitten.

hilarity!

-- Excuse me whilst I wipe a happy tear from the corner of my eye. --

Ahhh....anyway...the story that goes with the photo tells that the coke-swilling monkey (that right there is one of those phrases that, the moment you type it, you wonder what kind of weirdos it will googlegather to your site) is partaking in an annual primate appeasement festival in Thailand, hoping to bring good luck to local business people.

These monkeys got over two tons -- I repeat -- TWO TONS -- of fruit, and all the cola they could choke down.

< Deiter> Do you want to touch my monkey? Touch it. LOVE IT! We will dance now.< /Deiter>

People are idiots.

well duh

I went to former boss¹'s site and found this quiz.

I knew what it would take to get the desired result. And I make no apologies for it.


Colorado is your state. If you don't already live
there, you should. Lots of tourists...just
ignore them. If you can take the cold winters,
you'll be just fine there.


What State Is Perfect For You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I love where I am, but I love where I'm from...

this can't be good for my market share

I lost interest in blogshares some time ago. I went over tonight on a whim to see that it had shut down. If I email the creator and ask him to send me a check for the $10 million in virtual funds I had accumulated in my brief time of playing, whaddaya think my odds are of seeing any filthy lucre?

what i did on my thanksgiving vacation, part 3

We went and saw the Lake Lanier Islands Magical Nights of Lights. This was really cool. It came with a hefty tag, though -- $26 per car.

We managed to fit nine people in the Ford Shamu Excursion, so it was a cost-effective venture for us. The lights were very impressive. It was worthwhile for us.

If you are in the area, I recommend visiting it. But only if you can get a good bang for your buck. Caution, though, that there is a law of diminishing returns. Once your face is plastered against a window, and you're sitting next to somebody who forgot to shower and the car heat is blasting, it may all prove to not be worth any bargain you were able to extract.

a medical update

I'm no longer tingling.

It lasted all the way until bedtime, though, which kinda freaked me out.

what i did on my thanksgiving vacation, part 2

Some of you have expressed concern over Cotter. Let me assure you that he's fine. The very next day after we all recovered from the midnight trip to the emergency room, we went golfing. Our foursome was Papa (my dad) Uncle Jamie (my brother), Aunt Lissa (his lovely bride) and me (me). Cotter joined in. He even brought his set of graphite clubs that were a gift from last summer. It consists of a driver, a three iron, a seven iron and a putter, all cut to size. It's actually a pretty decent little set.

We went down the road a little way to Country Land Golf Course ($26 for 18 holes, includes the cart fee). Uncle Jamie went first and crushed the ball 250+ yards, but sliced it. Cotter was up next.

*CRACK*

One swing....40 yards...right down the center. A great shot for my 4 year old.

Me, being clever: "Wouldn't it be funny if my own son outdrove me?"

Can you predict what happened?

That's right. When it was my turn, I took a whack at it, topping it badly. My Tiger Woods Nike Signature Ball penetrated the earth with a vicious Swoosh and with a distance-eating topspin, came to an embarrasing halt 25 yards in front of me.

OHwhaHAHAHAHAHAhAHAHAHAAHAHAHhhahaaaaaaahhh....

Lots of laughter at Bryan's expense.

Okay...if that's the way its going to be....

For the rest of those nine holes, let's just say daddy got a little competitive. Every time that Mini Jack Nicklaus would line up, I was talking in his backswing, diverting his attention ("hey, son, I think I just saw the Hulk on the next green!"), or talking trash with him ("Nice Putt....'Alice.'").

Needless to say, I crushed him.

Who's laughing now?

The little guy impressed us all. We fully expected him to get tired or lose interest after a couple hits. He played every shot of every hole for 9 straight holes. the only exception was when we played two holes with water hazards and he waited until we were on the other side of the water.

Now that I'm aware of my boy's proclivity to walk the links, I'm suddenly rethinking my retirement plan. With the right set of golf clubs, a little super glue to adhere those clubs to his hands, and the total sacrifice of his childhood, I think we might just have a champion in the making.

movies for guys who like movies

Men's Journal lists the 50 greatest Guy Movies (as compared to Chick Flicks). The Link provides the list and summaries for each one (including rough language that is in many of the films). Here's the list (bold indicates my agreement that it is a great Guy Movie, italics indicates I own it or intend to own it someday):

The 50 Best Guy Movies Of All Time

Man cannot live by Cameron Diaz alone. Sometimes we need big guns, fast cars, dumb jokes, and huge explosions. You got a problem with that?

1 DIRTY HARRY 1972
2 THE GODFATHER 1972
3 SCARFACE 1983
4 DIE HARD 1988
5 THE TERMINATOR 1984
6 THE ROAD WARRIOR 1981
7 THE DIRTY DOZEN 1967
8 THE MATRIX 1999
9 CADDYSHACK 1980
10 ROCKY 1976
11 FULL METAL JACKET 1987
12 DR. NO 1962
13 THE KILLER 1989
14 RAGING BULL 1980
15 BULLITT 1968
16 ENTER THE DRAGON 1973
17 APOCALYPSE NOW 1979
18 GOODFELLAS 1990
19 RESERVOIR DOGS 1992
20 FIGHT CLUB 1999
21 THE USUAL SUSPECTS 1995
22 BLAZING SADDLES 1974
23 THE WILD BUNCH 1969
24 THE MALTESE FALCON 1941
25 UNFORGIVEN 1992
26 THE SEVEN SAMURAI 1954
27 DINER 1982
28 THE BIG LEBOWSKI 1998
29 SHAFT 1971
30 48 HRS 1982
31 THE SEARCHERS 1956
32 PLATOON 1986
33 ANIMAL HOUSE 1978
34 THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY 1966
35 THE LONGEST YARD 1974
36 BLADE 1998
37 STRIPES 1981
38 NORTH DALLAS FORTY 1979
39 THE UNTOUCHABLES 1987
40 THE GREAT ESCAPE 1963
41 THE THREE STOOGES
42 THE HUSTLER 1961
43 SLAP SHOT 1977
44 THE FRENCH CONNECTION 1971
45 OFFICE SPACE 1999
46 EASY RIDER 1969
47 DAZED AND CONFUSED 1993
48 THE BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI 1957
49 COOL HAND LUKE 1967
50 FLETCH 1985

BONUS #51- BEST GUY MOVIE OF THE YEAR KILL BILL

If I have not bolded or italicized a movie, it will mean one of three things:
1. The movie stunk, despite being (or in some cases, even for) a Guy Movie (6,27,28,29,41).
2. The movie was good, or even great, but not necessarily in my estimation a Guy Movie (12,14,16,24,42,45,46,48).
3. I haven't seen it (13,15,26,31,36,42,47).

With these three provisos listed, I allow myself a list of as few as 13 and as many as 20 of my own additions. So, to this completely arbitrary and genre-inconsistent list, I add (in no particular order):
1. Saving Private Ryan
2. Braveheart
3. Gladiator
4. The Patriot
5. Kingpins
6. The Godfather Part 2
7. The Godfather Part 3
8. Casino
9. Blade Runner
10. Star Wars Episode 5 -- The Empire Strikes Back
11. A River Runs Through It
12. Brian's Song
13. Legends of the Fall
14. Rocky IV
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Old School
17. Airplane!
18. Lethal Weapon 1
19. Lethal Weapon 2
20. The Outlaw Josey Wales

Honorable Mention:
Rudy
Major League
Serpico
Pulp Fiction
Top Gun
Born On the Fourth of July
Hoosiers
Swingers
Rocky III
Terminator II

Prediction: In 2004, Mel Gibson's The Passion will undeniably be a great Guy Movie.

Okay...surely I've given enough fodder for disagreement or alerts to oversight....commence to firing!

git r done

I've pastored this church, and thank God for it!
(email from Mikey's funnies)

YA KNOW YOU'RE IN A COUNTRY CHURCH WHEN....


~ People wonder, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish.

~ People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.

~ The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," and five guys stand up.

~ Opening day of hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.

~ A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because: "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of!"

~ Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.

~ The choir group is known as the "O.K. Chorale."

~ The pastor wears boots.

~ Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.

~ There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.

~ Baptism is referred to as "branding."

~ There's a special fundraiser for a new septic tank.

~ Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

~ High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.

~ The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear."

this stuff is sooooooo good!

I just finished writing the questions for the latest issue of e-ssentials (the newest material isn't online just yet, but you can order an annual subscription for $120 [6 DVDs] at this site). I wish everyone knew about this resource. Every time I watch the clips, I think this stuff is top-notch. So many churches, so many men's groups could really get some good use from this.

Here's the link where you can access their archive and see their older materials. Please -- use it. Use it often. And tell others to do the same!

weed in the house

Kaylyn won't quit growing.

Her most recent pair of blue jeans serviced her for approximately one month. She went to put them on Saturday and they wouldn't button. And it's not that she's getting pudgy. She's just growing. The pants are still blue, for cryin' out loud. It's like they never even got a chance to ripen into their natural color of pale washout that comes with denim maturity.

Two other pair of jeans resembled capri pants, and one was pushing kulat limits.

So we went shopping. It was like Christmas at Thanksgiving for her, proud new renter of new black jeans, blue jeans and khaki cargo pants.

Her cousin is in line for some very nice little-used previously-owned pant sets.

goodies from the emerging minister

I went over to EM's site, since I hadn't been there in a while, and I wanted to check in on the status of his 52 songs in 52 weeks project. He's already at song 11! I'm looking forward to downloading them when I get home.

He also led me to google where I followed directions and typed in "French military victories" and hit "I'm feeling lucky." If you haven't done this, it's good for a smile. I shared my slight smile with Kyle, who in a thinly-disguised effort of one-upsmanship, let me to froogle.com. His effort was much cooler than mine own.


and in case you were wondering...my ring- and pinky fingers of my left hand are still tingling.

the enemy of my enemy is my brother's keeper, right?

King of Fools leads us to a great post at The Powerline that details the voting of UN members on US-led initiatives.

Why do we stand with Israel?

1. Because God said to.
2. Because they're the best friends we have.
3. Because God said to.

recovery is a relative term

I'm healed from my yawning accident, thanks for asking.

Now, however, I'm being hassled by a constant tingling in my left hand, in my ring and pinky fingers.

I'm feeling no pain. I'm just annoyed (this has gone on for 30 minutes now).

But I've already surveyed WebMD to make sure I'm not dealing with early signs of something more significant.

I may be a hypochondriac, but my wife loves me anyway.

WLPN

Joe reports on the impending presence of a Liberal Propaganda Network in an inevitably futile attempt to counteract the voice of common sense that is conservative talk radio.

Moreover, liberals have had to buy their own networks to push their bitter pills.

Joe labeled this well, calling their efforts "informercials."

what i did on my thanksgiving vacation, part one

This time last week, prior to actual events, I reported that my plans were to wake up about this time so my brother, my father, my son and I could go golfing. Little did I know that those were plans of mice and men. About three hours earlier, while nine McAnallys slept in our humble abode, ma in her kerchief and I in my cap, we awoke to a clatter. I quickly sat up to see what was the matter.

Alas, it was not jolly old Saint Nick. It was my son.

And he couldn't breathe.

He was trying to take in gulps of air, but it was though something had lodged in his trachea. His inability to take a normal breath of air was quickly raising his anxiety level (as it was all of ours, because yes, we all awoke only moments after he quickly sat up and began making the frightening noise of one who is fighting for oxygen). The anxiety began to make him gag. I thought this to be a good thing, because if something had fallen/flown/been inadvertantly inserted into his mouth, then perhaps his gag reflex would dislodge it.

This was not the case.

We quickly made the decision to rush the boy to the emergency room. So the men jumped into my folks' rented Land Yacht Excursion, with Cotter in my arms, and zoomed down the highway to the hospital ten minutes away. Kelli called them and warned them to expect us. They were waiting for us at the door when we arrived 97 seconds after we had departed from home.

My concern was beginning to abate because Cotter was calming down and had yet to turn blue. He couldn't talk above a rasp and was still taking extremely shallow breaths of air. My hand never left his little heartbeat the entire time, measuring the slight but continual rise-and-fall of his chest.

They quickly assessed him and offered the diagnosis (from the Greek roots...nosis meaning "knowledgeable" and diag meaning "best stab in the dark for which you can charge a patient $500") with croup. His was a classic case, apparently, marked by the sudden onset, the shortness of breath, the restricted airwaves, and the overwhelming presence of a near-psychotic parent.

Croup was good news, as it meant that Cotter would be averting the emergency tracheatomy with a spoon handle (yes, I was *that* prepared to rescue my boy -- and don't think for a second that I didn't play out every worst-case scenario a dozen times in those 97 seconds we were in the Ford Behemoth Excursion).

The diagnosis of croup was also bad news, for it meant that Cotter would be getting a shot of steriods to loosen the muscles that were constricting his airpipe. This meant that he'd avoided having Demi Moore's voice for the rest of his life. The catch was that the shot would be administered one of two places. In his thigh, or < Forrest Gump > in his butt-ocks < /Forest Gump >. To me, this seemed a bit akin to Jim 'Wash Out' Pfaffenbach's options to correct his unfortunate case of multioptipupiloptomy.* Cotter seemed about as excited as was Wash Out.

He chose the thigh. And when Nurse Amber, who was extremely kind, plunged the turkey-baster-sized square needle into the meatiest part of my son's leg, he redefined the term shock and awe for everone within a half-mile radius with a scream that reset computers and caused two defibrillators to spontaneously discharge. We took this to mean the steroids had accomplished its purpose.

Eventually, he recovered. Cotter was a big hit with everone on staff, with his Hulk Pajamas and good manners. I don't understand why its cute for him, but creepy that my manners were just as nice and my Jammies matched his. Anyway, they kept us there for another hour. They submitted my son to "a breathing treatment." This was where they asked Cotter to breathe through a larynxy-looking contraption that pumped misty medically-treated air, which he was supposed to inhale like he was smoking a pipe.

They actually said this to him.

"Breathe through this like you are smoking a pipe."

He looked back at them with this nonplussed face of bewilderment. I explained how my smoking lessons with him had only advanced to filtered cigarrettes to this point and apologized for my poor parenting skills. He took to pulls on this thing and began wimpering, which for Cotter tends to be translated into something like this thing's freakin' me out man! So they permitted him to cease toking on the medicine water bong, and just encouraged him to heal by the ingestion of second-hand mist.

They followed this up with another 40 minutes of just breathing in the presence of a humidifier. They said they were in "observational mode." I now understand this to mean they were observing how much of a financial limit my insurance could handle before an adjuster would begin examining the hospital for fraud.

We finally were dismissed and sent home at 7 a.m. By this time it was raining. No golf on Monday.

And that news was what really upset my son.



*if you are unaware what this means, just ask, and I'll explain in the comments

hiho hiho

Vacation's over.

Yet, as I return, I can barely contain my excitement.

For today, I wear a new shirt.

I don't want to brag, but....

...it's a Dockers.


And...



....it has the patented Stain Defender^® technology.

I know! You don't have to tell me! I'm wearing the thing! I'm feeling like I could stop a bullet right now!*





*this is just a figure of speech, despite the teflon microfibers weaved into my shirt. please do not shoot me. or even spill hot coffee on me.

brolin as reagan

I haven't been watching, but Kelli's been viewing The Reagans on Showtime.

I quit watching when I saw the hatchet job they were doing on Nancy Reagan. I'll ask for the report on the rest of the show soon.

But at least from what I can hear, Brolin did a decent job sounding like the Gipper.

In case you couldn't tell, that was my effort to be even-handed and charitable. No doubt it will cease upon further review.

UPDATE: The report was not good. Reagan was made to look stupid...pre-alzheimerish....and Nancy to be the real source of power in the White House.

pretty much what I expected. Well, that's done and over with.

now it's time to say goodbye...

Roy Disney is stepping down from Disney Corp.

He wants Mike Eisner to do the same.

There's little chance of that happening, with Haunted Mansion pulling in $25 million over the weekend and The Incredibles on the horizon.

I've never taken part in the Disney boycott (though there was never an "official" movement to do so -- just an encouragement for our constituents to do so). I've simply treated Disney the same way I have any company giving a mixed message. I support their products and services that are useful and/or in agreement with my family's worldview, and eschewed those products and services that do not.

ho ho hooooolllly cow, i can see my house from here!

give santa a toss.

my best heave was 348.3....after several attempts.

a high estimation of onesself

Cam shares a story of Chicago's backlash against Jesse Jackson.

His response:

"They lashed out at Dr. King, they lashed out at Nelson Mandela, they lashed out at Jesus, so all of those who fight for change become the object of frustration," said Rev. Jesse Jackson, Rainbow-Push Coalition.

Hmmm....when a hypocritical, philandering self-aggrandizer begins to compare himself to Jesus....I'd suggest everyone take one step back from Rev. Jackson, so as not to get singed by the lightning bolt.

interesting

Day one in a five-part special on San Francisco's homeless problem.

An exerpt:

Her boyfriend is Victor, who said he doped his way out of a good bartending job in the East Bay a couple of years ago. His dream is to start a Web site called "Hustler's Paradise," laying out all the ways he uses to rip off cash in San Francisco.

"I can list 50 ways, at least," he said one day, firing up his crack pipe.

He was leaning against a wall, smoking his rock in the open while several other Islanders worked traffic. "There is never a reason to not have money in this city." You can fish $10 bills out of parking lot slots, smash car windows and sell the stuff at U.N. Plaza, tape string to retrievable $20 bills to buy BART tickets that you resell to commuters for $10, and so on, he explained.

"The best is if you get your one-legged girlfriend to go 'signing,' " he said with a big grin. "She cleans up."

while shopping for underarm deodorant

Me: Cotter, I need to get some new underarm deodorant.

Cotter: Me, too.

Me: What kind should I get?

Cotter: What flavor you you usually get?

Me: The last kind mommy got me was 'surf.' But let's try 'frost' since it's winter.....whaddaya think?

*sniff*

Cotter: That...smells....delicious!

sung to the tune of i love rock n roll

The gleeful extremist has posted Rolling Stone's list of the 50 greatest albums of all time.

I own versions of #s 1,3,5,7,10,14,17,20,25,29,36,37,42, and 43.

a sun-day top 10

the ten best photos (as voted by "fans") from the SOHO (Solar and Heliospheric Observatory).

Here's number 1:



muy caliente

calvinistic theology

God wants you to pass the test.

You can't do enough homework.

He offers the answer.

Pass the test.

good words

in my inbox this morning:

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running
across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're
sure they won't laugh if you trip.
--Jonathan Carroll

have i mentioned how i feel about will farrell?

We viewed elf yesterday afternoon.

While I disagree with Jen about it being a classic, I did laugh out loud several times and did enjoy it. It was clean enough for the children, and my kids liked it, but not to the same degree they'll enjoy Looney Tunes (whenever we get around to seeing it).

We also bought Bruce Almighty, using a rewards certificate from Media Play, and watched it before going to bed last night. I will say again that this movie has one of the finest scenes of submission to God that I've ever watched. There are a couple unnecessary inclusions of vulgarity, which is unfortunate, but the story itself is quite good.

don't cramp my style

Last night i yawned.

I'm no amateur at yawning. I've 31 years of experience at it.

For some reason, though, when I attempted this all to common feat, I was unable to stick the landing.

It felt as though an imaginary meat zipper running the height of my left side-front abdomen from ribcage to beltline were quickly and violently undone.

This was as unpleasant as it sounds.

Today I continue to be in discomfort.

This abdominal abnormality is exacerbated by irregular periodic body spasms experienced by the onset of head cold-related explosions that would otherwise be referred to as "sneezing."

I'm going to be lots of fun to be around today.