ALERT: juvenile male humor to follow

I apologize in advance for being an immature boy who laughed at this, and decided to post it here:

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My gas never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I've passed wind at least 20 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my gas - although still silent - stinks terribly."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing..."

upon further review

I just went to get a cup of coffee. My secretary doesn't work on Friday's (neither do I), so I had to prepare it myself.

Yeah...I forgot to put the coffee into the actual maker. So all I got was a nice cup of hot water.



Tea, anyone?


I wonder if Brainbench has a test for this?

and one more thing

also took a personality profile from Brainbench. It's assessment of my psyche:

PART 1 -- PERSONALITY EVALUATION:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Trait |<--|---|---|---- Range ----|---|---|--->| Trait
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Introverted |..................................X.....| Extraverted
Candid |......................................X.| Considerate
Impulsive |......................X.................| Cautious
Excitable |..............................X.........| Relaxed
Practical |......................X.................| Imaginative
Concrete |......................................X.| Abstract
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|<--|---|---|---- Range ----|---|---|--->|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
PART 2: OCCUPATIONAL PREFERENCE EVALUATION:

Social people seem to satisfy their needs in teaching or helping situations. They are drawn more to seek close interpersonal relationships and are less apt to engage in intellectual of extensive physical activity. The S type generally likes to help, teach, and counsel people more than engage in mechanical or technical activity. The S type usually likes to be around other people, working in groups and sharing responsibilities. They are good communicators and are interested in how people get along, and like to help other people with their problems. They like nursing, or giving first aid and providing information. They generally avoid using machines, tools, or animals to achieve a goal. They see themselves as helpful, friendly, and trustworthy.

The adjectives most typically associated with the Social occupational category are:
------------------------------------------------------------
convincing cooperative
easy-going friendly
generous helpful
honest idealistic
insightful kind
outgoing patient
responsible social
sympathetic tactful
trustworthy understanding
warm


This is particularly true: especially the part about avoiding using animals to accomplish my goals. I once relied upon a muskrat to put a sermon together for me, and although seven people came forward to receive Christ as Savior, I was rather unimpressed with its homiletical skills.

insomniacal wanderings

found Brainbench in a time of sleepless surfing last night.

Took several online tests.

I am now certified in:
typing and accuracy
english vocabulary

I am now master certified in:
math fundamental skills
english usage

I just missed my 'master's certification' in the vocabulary, and it was the glitch on the test that caused it. I've appealed to the International Board of Meaningless Online Exams (IBMOE), but they denied my appeal. I think the Russian judge was bribed to ensure I'd finish second in the free skate vocab.

I'm really not certain if this is impressive, or just silly. I can't imagine an employer looking at my resume' (if I were to include my results in it) and thinking, wow, this guy's got a Master's certificate in math fundamentals. If I once again find myself in that precarious situation of trying to divide 3/8 by 9/4, this guy will know what to do.

by the way, I now know I type 63 words a minute, adjusted for accuracy. But if you want a 'funner' way to test your skills, go here and click on Word Shark.

cotterisms

from my son, 3, to my wife, 32: "would it be okay if I just called you Kelli?"

the meaning of christmas: God

Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse. And He who sat on him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and makes war. His eyes were like a flame of fire, and on His head were many crowns. He had a name written that no one knew except Himself. He was clothed with a robe dipped in blood, and His name is called The Word of God. And the armies in heaven, clothed in fine linen, white and clean, followed Him on white horses. Now out of His mouth goes a sharp sword, that with it He should strike the nations. And He Himself will rule them with a rod of iron. He Himself treads the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. And He has on His robe and on His thigh a name written: KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS. -- Revelation 19:11-16

the meaning of christmas: the angels

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying: "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men!'' -- Luke 2:13-14

the meaning of christmas: to many

And this will be the sign to you: You will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger. -- Luke 2:12

the meaning of christmas: jesus

looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame -- Hebrews 12:2

the meaning of christmas: the shepherds

Now there were in the same country shepherds living out in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night. And behold, an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were greatly afraid. Then the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. "For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. -- Luke 2:8-11

the meaning of christmas: joseph

Then Joseph, being aroused from sleep, did as the angel of the Lord commanded him and took to him his wife, and did not know her till she had brought forth her firstborn Son. And he called His name Jesus. -- Matthew 1:24-25

the meaning of christmas: mary

So it was, that while they were there, the days were completed for her to be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped Him in swaddling cloths -- Luke 2:6-7

the meaning of christmas: the magi

Now after Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea in the days of Herod the king, behold, wise men from the East came to Jerusalem, saying, "Where is He who has been born King of the Jews? For we have seen His star in the East and have come to worship Him.'' -- Matthew 2:1-2

the meaning of christmas: simeon & anna

And behold, there was a man in Jerusalem whose name was Simeon, and this man was just and devout, waiting for the Consolation of Israel, and the Holy Spirit was upon him.... Now there was one, Anna, a prophetess, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Asher. She was of a great age, and had lived with a husband seven years from her virginity; and this woman was a widow of about eighty-four years, who did not depart from the temple, but served God with fastings and prayers night and day. And coming in that instant she gave thanks to the Lord, and spoke of Him to all those who looked for redemption in Jerusalem. -- Luke 2:25, 36-38

the meaning of christmas: the world

signs of the impending apocalypse #14

From MSNBC:
Police say mom faked child’s cancer

Ohio woman allegedly employed hoax to raise money

ASSOCIATED PRESS

URBANA, Ohio, Dec. 19 — Police say a woman tried to trick her daughter and community into thinking the girl had cancer so she could raise money, even going so far as to shave the 7-year-old’s head, give her sleeping pills and put her in counseling to prepare to die.

It's always nice to hear these types of stories around the holidays. How messed up does a person have to be to do something like this?

For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil, for which some have strayed from the faith in their greediness, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows. -- 1 Timothy 6:10

But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good... -- 2 Tim. 3:1-3

a mild diversion

want to play some ping pong

I've beaten the German, but none of the others.

Sholer, Germany 21-7
Matsushita, Japan 21-16
Kong, China 22-20
J-O, Sweden 21-18

I think this is one my father in law will enjoy. and Kelli, too (both of whom can beat me like a rented mule in real table tennis)

postscript: I am a dork

is the caller there?

from baptist press

Mohler defends biblical authority,gospel exclusivity on 'Donahue' By Michael Foust

LOUISVILLE, Ky. (BP)--A lively televised debate about gospel exclusivity Dec. 17 resulted in a sharp contrast between traditional Christianity and liberal Protestantism.

Southern Baptist Theological Seminary President R. Albert Mohler Jr. appeared in studio on MSNBC's "Donahue," defending the orthodox Christian belief that Jesus Christ is the only way to salvation. The program was broadcast live from the cable network's New York City studio.

Although Mohler was called a "spiritual racist" by a Jewish rabbi in the opening segment, it was a debate with a self-professed Christian later in the show that resulted in the most spirited exchange.

Mohler made it clear he believed "Jesus is the only way" and on several occasions quoted John 14:6.

But another guest, Union Theological Seminary (N.Y.) President Joseph Hough, took exception to evangelicals' beliefs, even saying that God could possibly be a "she."

"The basic problem I think here is that their God is too small," Hough said of evangelicals. "For me, I'm passionately Christian. I am a Christian. I believe in Jesus as the one who showed me the way. But I would be the last person to be so arrogant as to assert that my God has so little imagination that she or he could not reach out to other people in other cultures and other ways."

Host Phil Donahue followed by telling Hough, "You speak for me."

Hough also said that "those who claim that they know who is going to be saved" have scandalized Christ's name. "I think God knows who is going to be saved. I'm happy to leave it in God's hands," he said.

Mohler, trying to put the entire panel's debate in perspective a few segments later, said his views parallel the beliefs of the church since its inception.

"This is what Christianity has represented throughout the centuries," Mohler said. "That's just an historical fact. Liberal Protestants, like Dr. Hough, have moved away from a doctrine of biblical authority."

With Hough responding, "That's not true," Mohler posed a question: "Do you believe that Jesus said, 'I am the Way, the Truth and the Life, no man comes to the Father but by me?"

"I don't know whether Jesus said that or whether John wrote it," Hough responded.

Said Mohler: "[But] it was written in the Word."

"Don't you know about historical criticism?" Hough asked Mohler. "... Then you should read a little bit of that. If you did, then you would know that that book was written in the second century." Comments such as Hough's reflect historical critics' suspicion of the Bible's truthfulness by insisting it includes historical inaccuracies.

Mohler responded, "You take the Jesus of your scholarly imagination, and I'll take the Jesus of the gospel."

Hough, pointing to a Bible Mohler had brought, asked, "Do you believe that Bible literally?"

"Yes, I do," Mohler answered.

The entire program had similar clear divisions between panelists. Joining Mohler in representing traditional Christianity were Michael Brown, a Messianic Jew who is president of the Pensacola, Fla.,-based ICN (Israel, the Church and the Nation) Ministries. Flip Benham, president of the pro-life Operation Rescue, joined the discussion by remote.

Hough, Donahue and Rabbi Shmuley Boteach argued against Christianity's exclusive claims, saying such beliefs were dangerous and resulted in the Crusades and the
Holocaust.

Panelists fielded questions from Donahue, audience members and viewers.

Donahue opened the show by asking, "Why do evangelicals -- particularly Southern Baptists -- target Jews for conversion?" He then asked Mohler, "How do we get into heaven?"

"Only by faith in the Lord Jesus Christ," Mohler said.

But Boteach, author of "Judaism for Everyone," strongly disagreed with Mohler's comments.

"Sadly, Reverend Mohler is a spiritual racist," he said, adding that Ku Klux Klan members once killed minorities in the name of Christ.

Mohler responded by saying that such a person was not a Christian in the first place.

"The Lord himself said we shall know them by their fruits," Mohler said. "Therefore, the authenticity of one who claims the name of the Lord Jesus Christ is demonstrated by ... his love for all persons -- including the Jews -- and his desire that they will come to Christ."

A discussion on judgment, heaven and hell dominated the program. At one point an audience member asked Boteach what he believed about Old Testament verses
describing "sin and judgment."

"Did you realize that I don't give a darn if I'm going to heaven or hell?" Boteach responded. "I didn't have children so that they look after me when I'm an old fool with drool coming out of my mouth. I had them because I love them. I serve God because I love him. ... Why are you so fixated with heaven and hell, punishment and sin?"

Speaking to Boteach, Brown said, "We're saying there is judgment. Everybody's sinned. Everybody's fallen short. It's true."

"What is this judgment thing?" Boteach asked, laughing. "[It's] all we hear."

Hough said he was "not interested in where we're going when we die. I'm much more interested in what our religion teaches how to live."

While some audience members supported traditional Christian beliefs, several expressed outrage at its claim of uniqueness. One said the panel's evangelicals "are more fanatical than half of the people who are causing problems in Israel and around the Arab world." Another audience member said the "saddest part of this entire discussion is that these young children of these bigots are being brought up to mimic and memorize and read [and] not to think for themselves."

Benham disagreed with the description.

"We don't force a dogma like the Ayatollah does, or like the Orthodox Jew does," he said. "Jesus says, 'Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.' It's an invitation to the whole world."

An audience member asked Mohler if a serial killer who believed in Jesus could get into heaven.

"If we take the gospel seriously, it's impossible to imagine that one who knows the Lord Jesus Christ as Savior and as his disciple could be a serial killer," Mohler said. "Then you have another question. After committing that sin, is it possible even for someone who has been a serial killer to come to faith in the Lord Jesus Christ? Yes. We are all sinners, and grace is to those who trust the Lord Jesus Christ -- serial killer, serial liar, serial sinner."

After fielding another hypothetical question about who gets into heaven, Mohler addressed the problem of man's sinfulness.

"The audience assumes what most people these days assume, and that is that the default position is [that people are] going to heaven," he said. "[However,] we are born sinners destined for hell. The miracle is that God loved us so much that he sent his Son so that all who believe in him might have life and life everlasting. That's the good news of the gospel."

Brown agreed, and spoke to the assertion that exclusive views are the cause of wars.

"There's been bloodshed under atheists, bloodshed under communists, Nazis," he said. "That's because human beings are fundamentally flawed -- created in God's image but fallen. We need help. ... Jesus in his extraordinary love died for our sins and says everybody can have a chance."

Pointing to a past comment by Mohler -- in which he said "the biggest problem with Islamic theology is that it kills the soul" -- Donahue challenged the Southern Seminary president to lose some of his "devotion" and work to harvest "love and understanding."

But Mohler said he was doing just that -- loving others.

"The most important thing we can do if we love persons is to tell them the truth, and I believe this is the truth based on God's Word," he said in a comment that elicited applause.

preaching plans

disclaimer: the following agenda is subject to change pending an unforeseen movement of the will of the Holy Spirit

Following Christmas, I'll be preaching A Blockbuster Winter Sermon Series

Sermon will include:
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Far From Heaven
Lord of the Rings
City of God

I did this once before, about two years ago (in Craig) and the messages seemed to make a connection

Back then, the messages were:
The Patriot (Daniel & Fiery Furnace -- Daniel 1)
The Perfect Storm (The Flood -- Genesis 6-9)
X-Men (living as a Christian -- Ephesians 5)
Gladiator (Samson -- Judges 16)

a shepherd's story

It was a night like no other, though I had done it a thousand times. The sheep calmly grazed by a bright star-filled night. My friends kept watch, commenting on the brilliance of one particular star overhead. I had just laid my head on a stone for a nap when a frightening light filled the air.

Scared sheep don't make good hiding places.

It was an angel, giving words of comfort.

Don't be afraid I bring good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior who is Christ the Lord.

We still weren't quite so sure.

Suddenly, the angel was surrounded by a host from heaven, singing,

Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace and goodwill toward men!

Then they were gone.

After we picked ourselves off the ground, I suggested we go to Bethlehem to find this infant who would give salvation to one like me.

unclean unworthy a sinner

Just like the angel said, when we went into town we found the baby.
Wrapped in swaddling cloths Lying in a manger

Gathering around the infant, we watched Him And we worshipped Him.
Coo Spit up Squeal with delight Cry in hunger

Then, He smiled at me, and dropped off to sleep.

He was ordinarily beautiful

Regally plain

Divinely human

After quietly stepping out, we ran through the streets telling everyone we met

God has kept His promise!

He has sent His Savior!

To God be the glory!

It's hard to believe that was more than thirty years ago.

Just the other day, I watched from afar as Roman Centurians hammered spikes through the wrists and ankles of a rabble-rousing Rabbi. They nailed him to the cross.
His crime?

Teaching about God. Healing the sick. Providing miracles.

They called him a threat a blasphemer an agent of Satan.

Soon the crowds gathered to look at Him who they had pierced
mocking teasing scorning taunting

I was too far away to hear the words He spoke to two criminals on either side of Him.
One smiled peacefully in his last moments. The other wept bitterly in his.

This One in the middle abandoned by everyone. You know who He is

He was that baby

laying in the manger wrapped in swaddling cloths introduced by the angelic choir

His name was Jesus

In the shadow of the cross, the manger seems so far away, so long ago.

And I couldn't go near I was filled with dread

After a horrible silence, He cried out

it is finished

Then He was gone

Friends and followers later took and buried Him in a borrowed tomb.

that was three days ago

But this morning, the most unusual thing happened

Mary, the one who was once a demon-possessed prostitute
Peter, the former fisherman
And the one Jesus loved like a brother I think his name is John

They've come, saying something amazing
They say His tomb is empty

I had to see it for myself

The tomb is empty!

Jesus

The baby born to a virgin
The child who amazed the scholars
The man who performed miracles - just to prove He could forgive sins
The Rabbi who frustrated the establishment

Is alive

He is the Savior!

He is Lord!

He's alive!